How much longer can we continue to point fingers at everyone and everything else as the reason for our struggles? The lack of emotional availability from our parents, a critical teacher or boss, back stabbing friends, the betrayal of a loved one. All of these experiences are real, relevant and valid. At what point though do we choose to regain our power and recognize that these experiences we have had are not a reflection of who we are or where things end?
As children we make sense of the world and who we are through the experiences and people we encounter. They begin to define our sense of ‘normal’ and the basis at which we build our lives. No one tells us (likely because they didn’t know this themselves) that our experiences are exactly that – experiences – and that we don’t need to identify with them. For example, if a father was absent, a child begins to question whether they are lovable or good enough. An individual who fails a test equates themselves to “being” a failure. We take experiences and allow them to mean something about us – instead of seeing them as momentary pit stops en route the journey of life.
Blame creates shame. We remain in victim consciousness which allows us to lose our empowerment if we’re blaming someone else, and we remain in unworthiness if we’re blaming ourselves.
Accountability in our adult relationships requires detaching from the expectation that any of our personal needs will be met by the other. No one can be expected to meet our needs unless these two conditions are met: 1) that the person is emotionally and physically able to; and 2) that the person is willing and wanting to do so. Until then we have to adult our inner selves and ask ‘how are my old wounds leading me to react in this way right now?’ It’s not about wallowing but rather how our past has impacted us.
To move away from being the victim in all situations we need to ask ourselves “how did I contribute to the situation? Was there something I could have done differently?” Justifying ours or others’ behaviour is the reason we stay stuck. We stay stuck because we have justified a reason to remain. Justifications are the opposite of accountability.
Where do we need to “hand it back” to those who are responsible for their behaviour or to circumstances beyond our control? To free us to focus on what is our responsibility and what we are accountable for – ourselves.
This month’s newsletter was inspired by Dr Shefali Tsabary’s book “A Radical Awakening” where she shares an Accountability Statement that forced me to pay attention. Here it is:
“Everything I see is from my own mind. Everything I feel comes from my own mind. Everything I know others to be comes from my own mind. When I am broken I interpret the others brokenness as mine. When I am whole I interpret the others brokenness as theirs. Reality is always neutral. Neither good nor bad”
Here she encourages us to be accountable for what we feel, see and interpret as it comes from our own minds – no one else’s. Once we reach adulthood, we can no longer blame anyone else for what comes from self. She additionally demonstrates that when we are broken it is difficult to clearly see the others’ brokenness that we need to hand back. We unconsciously see it as our own as it mirrors ours. However, when we become conscious and are whole – we begin to clearly see the others’ brokenness as theirs, hand it back to them, and refuse to carry a burden that is not our responsibility.
Self-accountability is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
